For those of us with trauma, bad luck, disastrous relationships, the stories we accept as our own truth often place us in the role of victim, and it’s easy then to use those stories as excuses for not stepping up, for bad behavior, poor parenting, flakiness…the list can go on and on. I was blessed a few years ago to have a metaphysical friend brave enough to tell me that what I had gone through in life did not need to define me any further, that I had the right to quit telling that old, tired version and write a new story, one that would point me toward healing old wounds, weeding out limiting beliefs, and finding empowerment in the process. That exercise is one I’d like to share with you, knowing that those who are ready to dig into painful but ultimately satisfying personal work will take the time.
The exercise is called “The Two Stories of Me.” You’ll actually be writing them down, and you can choose handwriting or typing, whichever will allow you the most freedom to express what comes up for you. The exercise could take days or be complete in hours. If you need a break to process the emotions that come up, take the break. Be kind to yourself. It’s not an easy exercise, though it is SO worth your investment in it.
The first story of you starts out “One day, a beautiful baby girl (handsome baby boy) was born, and the stork delivered the baby to the wrong house.” In this story, you get to bring up every painful thing that happened in your life, every trauma, every offense, every violation. You get to detail as to how it made you feel, how it ruined your life, warped you about love, whatever the case may be. In this story, you get to be in full victim mode, forgetting that you might have planned it all for your life before you arrived in the latest incarnation. Blame the offenders. Write down everything you felt and still feel, the pain that came your way, the anxiety/stress/depression. In this version, you get to fully embrace your victimhood. Play it up as big as you want. Go through everything in your life that you find yourself bringing up over and over or thinking of often, and milk it every way you can. This is your story you’ve been telling for years and years. You’ve made it your own. Don’t leave anything out that is a repeating theme for you. If you want to blast the offender(s), blast away. This is your opportunity to have a huge pity party on paper.
You’re going to think that first story of you was damn hard, but now we up the ante, and this one will be even more challenging. This second story starts with “One day a beautiful baby was born, and the stork delivered the baby to the exact house and family she was meant for.” Now, that doesn’t mean you’re going to write a fairytale. You’re going to put in all the things you put into your first story, but this time you’re going to dig until you can see how you learned from it, how you became stronger from it, what empowered you in each situation. You are going to take yourself out of victim consciousness and see that each “awful” circumstance brought you closer to the person you intended to be when you picked out the lessons you would learn in this life. It won’t be easy to come up with empowerment in some of the hardest situations, say when you were a very small child and helpless or where something abusive happened for years and years, but at least try to see that there was some value in each situation. If you get stuck, grab a trusted friend and run the scenario by them to see what they can offer. Sometimes it’s easier to see clearly when one can stand back and give input as an observer.
This exercise helped me see not only how I was empowered by trauma but also that I had no shame to carry, which is something many of us carry around for decades, thinking that somehow that small child brought the abuse on themself, deserved what came their way, etc. When you are done with both stories, you will likely feel lighter to have verbalized so much of the feelings that you’ve kept pushed down, not dealt with because they were too painful, and you will also likely start catching yourself when you trot out the same old story, especially when you are using it as an excuse. It’s powerful work, so be sure to celebrate such a major effort and success when you complete it!!
